Commentary: Miss Sassy, cat of Springfield, Ohio, fame, finally speaks up — ‘No, Haitians did not eat me’
So all this started when I just needed some space and time to myself. I slunk down to the basement — it was cool and dark — and decided just to hunker down for a couple of days. It was a hot summer and I was tired of it. I’m a Maine Coon cat. I’m always cloaked in a fabulous, if heavy, fur coat.
I was enjoying the respite — some meditation, some yoga. I don’t know how long I was down there. A day? Two? Maybe three? Then Anna, my owner, found me. She was ecstatic to see her Miss Sassy. A little too giddy. OK. Whatever.
She seemed to think I was missing. I was just in the basement! How is that missing? Does she never go into the basement? I go down there all the time when I need a break.
It’s a U.S. senator’s job to watch out for his constituents. Ask the residents of Springfield, Ohio, how JD Vance is doing on that score.
Anyway, she took me upstairs and lavished me with food. And sometime after that, all the headlines started appearing. My sojourn in the basement — when Anna couldn’t find me — had been reported to the police and cast as a kidnapping by our Haitian neighbors. Whaatt? So embarrassed.
First of all, they are the coolest neighbors. And second, have you seen a Maine Coon cat? I am a giant, tough cat. Who would kidnap me and live to tell? I would scratch them into ribbons of flesh.
Look, no one loves attention more than I do. And for a minute I was fine with all of it. I made it into the Hindustan Times!
Although why didn’t Anderson Cooper try to get me on his show? He had on the mayor of our town, Springfield, Ohio. I would totally have done his show — and killed.
When the U.S. created a new path to legal immigration for Haitians fleeing a humanitarian crisis, I heard from an old friend.
But ultimately, I realized this was a bridge too far even for me. People in my hood don’t abduct cats or — gross — eat them. Honestly I doubt we would taste good and I’m sure the dogs would definitely not taste good, and I just don’t want to think about it.
It took me a while to realize I had just become part of some political kabuki theater to demonize immigrants — which I want no part of. Hey, I’m an immigrant. OK, I’m from Maine, but there are plenty of theories that part of my heritage goes back to the Vikings. I love that.
Mostly, I just want things to go back to normal in Springfield. This is really a huge issue and I need it to go away. I want to be able to hang out again with the Haitian neighbors.
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